Saturday, December 29, 2018

Office Memo

Welcome to your new position at _(Redacted)_ Inc.! I hope you’re settling in well. Don’t hesitate to ask questions about anything you don’t understand! 
Today I know you’ll be busy working through your welcome packet. I just have a few more small notes to leave you with before you get started. I know you’ll fit in great! 
Please refer to the phone list for an updated list of coworker extensions. 
Potlucks happen often. Come hungry - we always have way more leftovers than we can eat! 
Don’t mind the elevators. The noises have been noted, and our maintenance person has checked them repeatedly. Rest assured that they have passed all safety tests with flying colors. You’ll get used to the sounds before you know it. 
And a quick note about the employee bathroom: 
We are aware of the flickering light issue. While our maintenance team works on it, we can just advise you to ignore it as best you can. 
Also note that the second-to-last stall on the right has an odd tendency to become locked at random when not in use. There have been some reports of odd noises coming from that stall, including a sound like moaning or quiet weeping. We are also aware of the reports of shadows moving within it while empty, and of dark fluids seeping through the tiles seemingly at random. 
While we work out the potential cause, we recommend that you do not attempt to open the door or use the stall at all when the door is locked, especially if it appears to be empty. 
We also recommend that if you are in an adjacent stall or leaving the restroom and hear the sound of footsteps of breathing directly behind you, do not turn around or make any sign of having heard. Under any circumstances, do not look in the mirror. 
We recommend that you continue walking without pause; our employees have reported a very high success rate with that tactic! 
Otherwise, we welcome you again to _(Redacted)_, Inc. and look forward to making you feel at home.